Second Skin

In memory of Adrienne Rich who died on Tuesday, March 27th, 2012, I always think of her when I hear this song:

Second Skin lyrics

I've thought about it a million times
It takes all my strength just to keep it calm
I hove to tell myself, just let it breathe
holding it inside will only help to do me in
Each time I close my eyes I see another chain
it's one I can't forget, something I can not break out of
I need a second skin, something to hold me up
can't seem to get out of this hole
I've dug myself right back in
Just to wake up tells me I must be brave
It hits me like a drug shot into my vein
It's not as delightful of a pain
immobilizing me
almost makes me think I'm dead
I need a second skin
something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own
sometimes I need just a little more help
I want that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin
something I can not break out of
I tell myself, just let it breathe
It's a calmness I'm always searching for
But the dirt it gets so heavy
it falls above my head
seeping from under my feet
it just keeps on getting deeper
I need a second skin
something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own
sometimes I need just a little more help
I've got that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin
something I cannot break free of
Though no one ever said it'd be easy
Still one's left to deny the choice that comes
between your willingness to survive
Though you're knowing what you stand up against
a world set to deceive
You need a special strength
I've got that second skin
I've got that chance to give
I've got the only way that I know how to live with it
I need a second skin
something to hold me tough
I need a second skin
something I cannot break out of

"aahh, matsushima

aahh, matsushima

aahh, matsushima"

-basho

Le bonheur de vivre

the joy of life, a painting by henri matisse is a print i found at an antique store at the beginning of this year. it was printed by the barnes foundation, one of the sequestered paintings in their collection they had never allowed to be reproduced in color until more recently. the print was an inspiration to me regarding renewal of health this year, as well as for the pursuit of my minor degree in women's studies. i hope to continue with women's studies for my master's as well, and see what the future holds for an opportunity to earn a phd at a university in wales in conjunction with my professor who is head of the department for women's studies at uco.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for my family and friends, those near and those far away, as well as those who have helped me academically during the last year. I am also thankful for the expert medical care I received and for continuing improved health.

So far my health and my strength are better than they have been for more than a year. I really felt a turn around when my weight began to increase steadily over the past two months and is now back up to the ten pounds I had lost since my surgery in February. Even my muscle tone has returned to a healthy firmness and my skin has healthy color as well and I feel so much better every day. I feel like a million dollars and now my clothes fit again too!

And thanks to my Modern British Poetry class this semester, I learned through my research of the poem "The Waste Land" by T.S. Eliot that there is such a thing as "sympathetic magic," something I knew about vaguely, but I realized it truly applies when it comes to my health and sense of well-being. The vegetation rituals and fertility rites that were enacted to produce energy and life can be very effective when acted out in faith. This is what Abraham did when he believed God's promise that he would have a son in his old age. The scriptures say that he didn't consider his body that was as good as dead, or the deadness of Sara's womb, but he had respect toward the promise of God that He was able to do what He had promised. I am most thankful for that lesson and the life it has brought forth in me even when my own body was a waste land.

Abraham wasn't enacting a pagan ritual, of course, but by faith he believed God and it was counted to him as righteousness, and he received his promise, his own son Isaac. I think my professors are shamans, I learn so much from them because of their participation in the learning process! The learning process forces me to push myself to reach new goals and obtain knowledge that is useful in my own life.

Horn Seed Company: Gardening in the Fall

One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is go to my favorite gardening store, Horn Seed Co. in Oklahoma City. Especially in the Fall when gardening begins to slow down for winter, I can't help needing a garden fix to get me through the colder months. Horn's always has an amazing display of beautiful plants, both seasonal and year around, ranging from cactus varieties, perennials, annuals, vines, shrubs, trees, herbs and seeds.

Horn's also carries a large selection of garden items such as bird baths, bird houses, wind chimes and garden accents of all kinds, along with gardening tools and materials. There is always something beautiful and unexpected for each season. One of the features that captivates me along with the sights and scents of the garden are the sounds of wind chimes, running water, and the classical music which plays throughout the greenhouse and store for the enjoyment of the plants and customers. Everything they do at Horn's is with expert taste and care.

Last week, although most of the summer inventory has been put away, the greenhouse was still alive with beautiful fall color. I took a few pictures of my fall favorites: pansies, mums, ornamental cabbages both small and large, multi-colored ornamental peppers, and some Dwarf Alberta Spruce trees that were ready for the Holiday season.

I also found a cast iron Hibachi grill that can be used to grill with or to burn scented wood. I asked if it was for sale because I've been looking for one a long time with no luck. This one was used, but the design was perfect for me. The owner said I could buy it for only $7.00, which was beyond generous (photos below).

Ornamental peppers and yellow mums

Pansies and small ornamental cabbages

Small ornamental cabbages

More varieties of ornamental cabbages

Dwarf Spruce tree, large ornamental Peacock (brassica) kale and red mums

New-to-me Hibachi grill

Exploring "The Wasteland":

Here is the link to a blog I started to explore themes of T.S. Eliot's "The Wasteland":

http://fullfathomfiv.blogspot.com/

The Hawk of Gold

After "the last two weeks'" posts about hawks, reading poems about hawks and different beliefs and representations of hawks in nature and in ancient cultures, especially studies in the ancient Egyptian culture, along with the poem by Aleister Crowley who saw the hawk-god Horus as one of the foundations of his religious theory, I had to wonder about a visit that turned "a golden hawk against the turquoise heavens" from lore to legend yesterday just outside my door.

Previously, when I was taking a semester course about Edgar Allen Poe I kept having a large black raven that came and roosted on the street lamp post that stands next to where I park my car in front of my apartment. He would especially like it when my phone would go off while I was checking my oil and it would play "Electric Feel" by MGMT. He would flap his wings and make a lot of caw-ing sounds. He even tapped on my window one morning which woke me when I overslept and I would have missed class.

I wanted to feed him, but when I checked on the habits of crows and ravens, I found out from Wild Birds Unlimited in OKC that if you make the mistake of feeding a crow, they will return with lots of their friends and can become pests and even destructive if you don't supply them all with food! So I thought I'd let nature take care of itself and enjoy the visits while they lasted.

However, yesterday was the first time I have had a golden hawk appear roosting at the top of the same light post. He watched with huge golden eyes, looking down on us as we passed him, and only when I got excited about the unusual occurrence and squealed in excitement that a hawk would appear so close to my house inside the area where I live did he decide to take flight back to the tree tops.

In the years I have lived in Edmond, it is the first time I have seen a large hawk, the type that is usually only seen in rural areas and not the small urban dwelling gray Georgian hawks. I was amazed when our eyes met!

I don't believe that things happen by coincidence, which made me think, "Are we being watched?!" Maybe only the hawk-god Horus or Mr. Crowley knows for sure! But look at those amber-colored eyes!!