I was also dreading this day - as usual - when I have to go see my oncologist. All the mental gymnastics are worse than the actual visit. What will they want to do this time? What are the results going to be? etc., like walking through a mine field, but I tell myself it never goes the way I think and to put away the fears and use my energy to be positive and to get militant.
It's an exercise in walking the fine line between "save me?!" and "leave me alone already!" I try to stay in the middle and save myself. I say "I'm fine, I'm doing really great!" Which is mostly true. I'm so low maintenance as a patient it seems sometimes like they want to push me to do things, not because it is necessary, but because it justifies that they are doing something new to write on their paper and they feel uncomfortable if they aren't doing something more. So far my protocol is I take one pill a day, Tamoxifen - so I haven't had to make changes, just monitor things every month. So far, no pain, no problems.
After my blood test, the doctor went over my history and then did my exam (this exam is after a mammogram and ultrasound results in May indicating that I need to have a biopsy on my left breast). The last time he did my exam he measured a mass of 3 cm. The ultrasound results said it was larger than before.
This time after the exam was complete, the nurse left the room. The doctor sat down at the computer to update the records, and then he stopped. He had a perplexed look and said, "Huh!!" I thought, "that doesn't sound good, I was hoping I could get out of here without any catches." I just wanted to be let off the hook. Leave everything the same, I feel fine.
He said, "let me go and get the nurse, I need to check something." I thought to myself, "Oh no, let me go - just leave me alone and let me go already... I don't want to have any more biopsies, surgery, medicines, etc." Then I thought, "I am being way too anxious. They are only trying to help." So I took some deep breaths and waited.
The doctor and the nurse came back in and repeated the exam and then he sat back down at the computer. He said, after a pause, "I just wanted to be sure I was right. Did you know that you had a mass on your breast of at least 3 cm (he whipped his measuring tool out from his coat pocket and held it up to demonstrate the size of a 3 cm mass)...
I said, yes, I remember.
He said, well, it's not there anymore!
I said, it's not? I thought the mammogram and ultrasound results said it was larger than before?
He said, "well, its not there now. There is regular tissue, but nothing irregular or solid like a mass that was there before!"
He about fell out of his chair when he was telling me, then I about fell off of the table. I was not expecting to hear that! I said, "Wow, I guess my medicine must be working! See? You're doing the right thing."
He said, "it looks like something happened. When good happens, we don't question it!"
I didn't tell the doc that I have been taking baking soda and molasses to bring my pHd-own, or is that up, to 8.0-8.5 alkaline for a few days, which has been known to KILL CANCER!!!! It looks like something is working! A purple patch of victory in this case!!
My grandmother also rode her bike in winter to surrounding villages to collect food, clothing, and supplies to protect and provide for the Jewish prisoners that were being held in the factory where he was a supervisor before he was killed. My grandmother was from Warsaw, Poland. We don't know if she was German, Polish, or Jewish, but I was told she kept the Sabbath and was raised by a Jewish family in Warsaw that she "worked for" as a child.
My grandparents hated Hitler and would have nothing to do with his regime. When my mother was a child and came home with some flyers that she found that had been dropped as propaganda by the Nazis, my grandmother tore it from her hands and put it in the fire. She wouldn't allow photos of Hitler or any of his influence in their home.
At one point, several SS Officers came and set up a headquarters in part of their home (which was a large summer resort in the mountains). The arrangement was forced on my mother's family, but my grandmother set down rules for them. She told them NO bringing women into her home, and if she caught any of the married men cheating on their wives she was going to call their wives and turn them in. Eventually they were the ones who killed my grandfather, and their home was fire bombed to the ground by Axis Powers that may have learned their civilian home was being used as a headquarters. All the SS Officers went into hiding, my mother was separated from her mother and didn't know where her family was until many years later.
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